I am addressing myself to you, as
I know you are open-minded and good-humoured, and will
not condemn me for things that I really did not know
better at that time. The following is really a quite
crazy story and nothing for people who don't believe
there might be something outside of the world that is
revealed to us over our senses. But it might be interesting
for you, as I know you really want to find out
about the secrets that make up what we call "life".
had to find out that our senses actually grant us only
a rather small, restricted access to our world, and
I found this out after I had dealt with all those things
that science can offer to us extensively.
enough, in retrospective I know that God has never really
left me, and I do not know why. He must love me very
much. To say that in advance - God is everything for
me. It IS a love affair (but nothing sexual as someone thought
would also like to apologize to you in advance, dear readers,
if you cannot follow my thoughts, as several things
have become so normal to my way of thinking that I sometimes
forget that you might not understand me, because
you have not experienced what I have experienced. It
is so much enclosed in my ideology that I might not
notice. In this case do not hesitate to ask me about
I was born, there was Mummy and Daddy, my sister Angel
and my brother Michael (names changed). My father had
been a Roman Catholic before he dared to marry my mother,
who was a Protestant - so he was excommunicated from
the church, and church never used to be a subject at
home. But when my brother became 14, he was confirmed
at the Lutheran State's Church. At that time I was five,
and I started to become interested in God and went to
Sunday church - alone - as often as I could to listen
to the Gospel. I could not get enough of that. Weird,
I cannot really remember that my sister was confirmed,
too, but she must have been. Maybe they did not want
to take me there - I was a very vivid child, you see.
went to school and found out that I knew more than others.
The first day I went there I told my mother afterwards
that two girls one row in front of me would stay down.
I was right with that. This kind of intuitive knowledge
about people should follow me for the rest of my life.
I know who people are after they say some sentences.
Too bad - this intuition never worked when I tried to
find a partner, however.
loved to learn at school, especially in the first years.
We were rather poor in post-war Germany, there were
no flats, and so we lived in a small flat with two rooms
only. I did not even own a bed of my own, but I did
not mind much, as I could choose where to sleep at night.
I loved to sleep in my father's bed. My father and me,
we were a big team, maybe because I did not know what
was wrong with him. He was a gambler, and our family
was burdened with his addiction. My parents both smoked,
my mother had to work full-time, and I was a child that
was more in the way than anything else, I guess.
I learned to
play alone, and as we lived in the town's
centre, there was not much to do for me.
I was a child that loved to be outside,
and it was a pain for me if I had to stay
in all day when it rained. I did not need
much - no toys, just some stones or screws
or maybe a tree to climb on - that could
make me happy. Weird, I had no playmates,
but in my fantasy there were always some
there were some children where my grandmother lived.
There was Kaethe who told me there was no God. Oh, you
should have seen me how much I tried to explain that
to her... "Look", I said, "all is from
God. Just take a table, and see that it is made of wood,
and wood is from trees, and trees - where do they come
from? They are there, but God made them. Everything
there is comes from God!" Kaethe did not really
believe me, but had no better answer, either.
were other children there, but I was not allowed to
play with them. They played some "doctor games",
and one day I did not obey my granny and played with
them, but in the end I was angry about them for a reason
I cannot remember anymore, and so I went to my granny
and told her about the games the children were playing
there. Weird, somehow I knew that this was not really
allowed. My granny said, "Oh dear, don't ever go
with them - if you do, God will not give you any children
was hard. She did not know what she had done by telling
me such a nonsense, and it should follow me throughout
the years to come. I knew: God would never give me any
children, and I suffered silently but much when I thought
must have been the same age when my brother said that
if things would continue the way they did, there would
be another World War within the following five years.
Oh dear - my brother was so intelligent, and I never
doubted that he was right. This and all the stories
my granny had told about World War II... They had been
bombed out twice. My grandfather did not have to fight
in the army, because his father had died in World War
I and he had to care for his mother. He was not liked
much by the Nazis because he had not become a member
in their party. But he was responsible for the distribution
of materials to build houses or for coal and such things,
because he worked for the town. This brought him incarnation
later, and he was kept single in a cell first, and later
in a camp. But in the end he was fully rehabilitated
by the American investigators, but he never really recovered
from the time in prison.
will also never forget the story my granny told me about
the horse she found in the street. It had been burned
and black after a bombing night. I loved horses so much.
I think I would have died for this horse if I could
have made it alive again by that. My heart was crying
over that story, and I could hardly think of it without
feeling the pain. And the idea of another war had kept
me - and I started to pray in the evenings in bed, night
after night, and nobody knew. I had so much fear, and
I prayed that God might help me to sleep. I could not
sleep, but always had to think about the horse and the
war, and that I would never get children and was a very
bad child. One day I made up my mind that I would go
to our "Bundeskanzler" in case a war was ahead,
and tell him that this would be very bad, and that he
should not allow this to happen. I wanted to convince
him personally, and beg him not to allow this...
am not sure, but maybe my prayers were heard. There
has not been another World War, and I am still praying
for that. Maybe if we all do...
I was about eight, we moved to a suburb where I was
very happy. Though I was alone very often, I did not
mind that much. I spent most of the time outside in
the wood, preferably at a secret place I called the
"Quelle" - the "Fountain".
day after a night at my granny's place (my grandfather
had died when I was five, and I had not met my father's
parents at all), she said we would go home by tram.
I loved to go by tram, and so I whistled on the way,
and sang songs. But my granny stopped me, and told me
to be quiet. We came home, and all the family was there.
I knew something was very wrong. I missed my father...
But nobody really told me what had happened. After a
while I could guess... he had died. I was eleven then.
About half a year later my granny died as well.
I was in touch with death rather early. I did not really
believe the people were dead. I knew they were not,
they were just not there anymore, and that was bitter.
I did not ask God about it then. Maybe I did not trust
him enough to be able to explain...
changed a little. My father was not there anymore, and
my mother had not thought of denying the heritage, and
so all the debitors came and wanted money from her.
But there was no money, and she offered to pay them
all back in small sums, and they all accepted that.
She had to work a lot, and I was alone at home, and
after a while she dated again, and so I was also alone
at night. I led a very free life, and freedom still
means much to me.
When I was 13
my mother had met a man who should become
my step-father. He was very rich, and we
had a better life then. He drank a lot,
and this was a problem, but somehow we got
along well. They married when I was 15,
and he always wanted to adopt me, but my
mother was too just. She did not allow that,
or he would have had to adopt my sister
and my brother as well, but they had a family
of their own at that time already, so my
step-father denied that.
My "terrible teens"
were really terrible. I started to smoke
at 13, and I always had a heartache because
I fell in love with the wrong boys all the
time. Many liked me, but I did not like
them, and vice versa. Tears, tears, tears...
My mother got
a heavy heart attack when I was 17, and
that dominated her life - and ours - from
then on. We travelled a lot. I am glad that
I could visit so many places in the world.
I was in Israel, in Egypt, in Spain, Bulgaria,
Yugoslavia, Italy, Austria, Greece...
Then I had a boy-friend who was a little
older than me. He lived in the village where
we had a caravan, and one day I got a call
at home. A friend told me that my boy-friend
had had a horrible accident. He had been
in a car driven by someone who had drunk
and no driving license when the police wanted
to stop him. But the driver preferred to
speed up - and crashed into the wall of
a house. My boy-friend was dead at once,
I was told. I saw this driver two weeks
later drinking again at a pub as if nothing
had really loved George - that was his name, and I swore
never to forget him. I really did not forget him for
more than ten years. It was as if my life was at an
end, too, and I thought it did not matter anymore, whatever
I did. I was like paralized.
had another boy-friend, but was not really behind this
relation, and so I left him - poor one - after five
I met another
man whom I married later. But shortly before
we married, he became very ill. He begged
me not to let him down and marry him, and
so I married him after having lived with
him for about three years without being
married, although it was a very bad situation
to marry. I did not know what it was at
first, but then it was clear that he was
bi-polar. His depression was all my first
marriage was about. I really loved him very
much, but could not really help him. He
did not want to see friends or go out, just
be at home, me the only one he could stand
around him. After two years he got a little
better, but his father got the same illness.
This is some comfort for me - it is hard
for family members not to feel guilty. But
we really loved one another before he became
ill, all of a sudden.
we married, my mother and my step-father separated and
later got divorced, because he had met another woman...
and then my husband met another woman in a sauna and
betrayed me, and so I fired him and got divorced very
soon. My mother had become even more ill with cancer,
and she had to have a surgery. I pleaded to God to save
her from that, but He remained silent. So I thought
there is no God, maybe a God far away, but I could not
know who He was, or if He was only some form of energy
or an alien.
My life was
a ruin - everything had turned upside down,
and I had just started to study when I married.
Then my mother died of cancer after a long
period of suffering. She died at the age
of 58 on her birthday. I came to the hospital
in the morning with a bundle of red amaryllis
- her favorite flowers, but she had fallen
into a coma already. But strange, she opened
her eyes to look at me for some seconds,
and then she fell back into the coma, and
never woke up again. There was snow on that
4th of December, and I will never forget
the flowers in contrast to the white landscape.
I loved her so much...
was so lonesome in this world after she was not there
anymore, and did not know how to make it in a world
where you could not trust anybody. I went over the asphalt
pavement with the little dog my mother had left and
said to some God in Heaven I really did not believe
in: "God, if you are there, give me a sign that
times will change for me some day! If you exist, then
let me find a cloverleaf with four leaves here on spot!!"
I turned my face to the ground, and what did I see growing
next to a dandelion at the wall of a house? Right you
are! It was a cloverleaf with four leaves, which are
very, very seldom - growing on the pavement! I thought
I could not trust my eyes! I picked it up, dried and
pressed it and put it into my purse where it still is,
not in a good shape anymore, because I found it more
than twenty years ago. Funny - God reminded me of it
later the seconds before I decided to give my life to
lost the ground. I went out every night, and I did not
care much about things... I did not end my studies,
because I could not afford to drive to the university.
I stopped the studies in the middle of the exams which
I had passed - half of them. But I did not register
for the rest, and the time to finish the studies simply
years later I met my second husband who drank a lot.
But I did not care much, and I drank a lot with him
at that time (but never became addicted). Then the phone
rang one day again...
was my sister. She informed me that my dear niece had
had an accident.
I heard she was dead I shouted, "Why? Why? Why
have you not taken me? Why have you not taken me? Why?"
was very angry with God. He had taken away everything
from me! And now he had taken away my dear niece who
was the most beautiful and the dearest girl I knew.
My life was nothing worth at all - so why not me? He
had not even granted me own children, taken away my
family, my husband, my financial security, and now he
had even taken my niece away from me. She had heard
a noise at her car and stopped on the motorway on a
sunny summer afternoon. She had phoned the police, and
on her way back to the car another car bumped into her
beautiful body after the driver had fallen asleep. She
died of shock about half an hour later.
could not bear any more, and I cried and cried and shouted
why God had taken her. Maybe he had heard that I really
meant that. I would have changed places with my niece
if that had only been possible. I had no family anymore,
no real job, no money, no hope, no desires, and she
was so young and beautiful, 20 years of age...
had other plans with me.
I became pregnant that
same year, and I know that this was a miracle,
and God gave my son to me. My later husband
could not get any children, and it had not
been the time for me to become pregnant.
I immediately knew it, though. It was certain.
When I did a pregnancy test some weeks later
and it was negative, I could not believe
it. But that was just because I knew it
before a test could prove it. We married
shortly after that, and my husband was also
very happy to become a father - and his
parents were happy to have a grand-child.
My son's grandfather died shortly before
Christmas in 2006, and my son was the last
person whom he recognised. I know that my
son meant much to him in his life.
too bad that my husband could not stop drinking, and
so this marriage was a horror. I would say there was
no marriage at all, and after a while I got ill with
my spine and the sciatic nerve. This was a time when
I thought about jumping from a bridge, but fortunately
it was just the idea. The pain was so heavy then, that
I thought I could not stand it. The worst thing was
that I could not sleep at night, and I could not stand,
sit or lie, but only walked, up and down, and lost so
much weight that I was shocked about that. There were
also severe problems with my husband, financial problems
as well, and I did not know how to solve all of this.
And there was the baby. But then I thought I had to
solve one problem after the other...
was really not an easy decision for me to leave my husband,
but I decided to do so right after my recovery. I had
a surgery at the intervertebral discs that had pressed
on the nerve, and - praise the Lord! - I recovered fast,
and then moved away from my husband to raise my child
alone. I do not want to go into detail about my marriage
here, and I have come over all that. But I was rather
broken the first years after that, and I wanted to stay
alone for a longer time, because I wanted to be a good
mother, if I had not done much else good in my life.
But that meant to stay alone every evening, and every
night, and it meant much hardship, too, with regard
to many aspects.
it also meant much time for myself. Time to think it
all over. Time to find out what was really important
in life. And I meditated much doing autogenic training
which I had taught myself. I went out much with my little
son, and he was the center of my life. I read much,
mostly scientific books about the universe, the evolution
theory or philosophy and such things. I wanted to know
everything about life, about this big, big puzzle that
only waited for me to be put together. I had always
talked with my mother about these things, but she had
warned me I should not worry about all of this too much,
and that we would never know... But I just did not give
An endless number of pieces lying there.
I had to pick them all up, but what was the sense in
all of that?
Some were pieces which did not
build the picture of life, but just fit in to make a
larger part complete. Others were much clearer. They
showed colours and objects, yes. There were white ones,
more than black ones, and that was good. But I needed
all to get the picture of truth. I really had never
hoped to get something so clearly as I got them later.
day when I felt like sitting in a trap, very lonely,
empty and hopeless, I spoke to God again, who I did
not really believe in, and I just wanted to try out
if something would happen, "God, if you are really
there, come into my life and change it!"
that is how it all began...
story I am telling you starts at this point, but I think
it is important to understand what had happened in my
had a dream that night. I dreamed I was in the hall,
painting the walls white. There was a mess like there
is when you paint walls, but a neighbor came and rebuked
me, "You are not allowed to do what you are doing
there, it is changing particles..."
woke up and wondered what this dream might mean. Weird,
I got the answer the next night. There was a scientific
TV show about materia and anti-materia, and that they
had found out to make anti-materia visible! Hey, I was
thrilled by that idea of the existence of parallel universes,
and I decided to look for literature about this, but
I did not find any. That was weird. I knew there had
to be an answer... I sat down and turned the computer
on, and I imagined to write into another parallel universe...
The answers were really amazing... I asked if I might
get there... "YES" I asked if there were others....
"YES" I asked if my niece was there, maybe
"Yes, she is here" - Can I visit her? "But
of course, just come over". But how could I tell
her I had no contact to my sister? "BUT YOU HAVE
- that was it! I must say that I had argued with my
sister and broken the contact for a while. She wanted
to tell me how to live, but she is a very different
person than me - I do not want to say more about that,
as it is not really relevant here. But I understood
now that I had had the contact to her all the time,
yes, over our minds. It was telepathy! It was her that
had not left me in peace, so I had asked God to help
decided to go and take the very next book about such
things I could get at a book shop. Strange, strange,
the first book I got there was a book with the name
"Magie" - which means "magic". There
were some meditations described, and so I tried them
out, and, weird enough, I succeeded right away... One
day when I was meditating on cleaning me from bad influences
it happened that something like a lightening hit me,
and I really could do many things after that. I healed
people by laying hands in them. Oh dear - but if I could
really influence things and people by that... Okay,
I tried it all out and found that it worked. But I also
knew that magic goes the fastest way, and this could
be through oneself. If all my thoughts had an influence
in this world... I had to control them, I found, and
started to do so, and denied all the bad ideas that
came into my mind. I was shocked how many bad thoughts
had passed just like that without control before. After
a while the bad ideas did not come anymore, and I must
say, I was a completely new person with much compassion
for others, but also with the feeling to have to save
this world, which was also like a curse on me. I had
so much responsibility now, and if I could, was it not
my duty to do good? And I tried to save this world,
very hard. I went to the highest spot in my town, closed
my eyes and visualized a wave of love leaving me, going
round the world,coming back to my place, being multiplied
at every spot where there were people open to be touched
by it and pass it away again... A world wide web spun
of love that would reach everybody in the end...
I still have a poem (in German, however, but I
can translate it) which I wrote in those days. I called
it "The Wave of Love". I guess I really started
something by that.
Wave of Love
that wave, by her -
wave of love.
is flooding the earth,
coating it well
the wave of love.
It is protecting the
earth, taking it,
then piling up
at places where it can find same
get back to her
with stronger power
WE ARE ONE!
And it was sent
that wave by her -
the wave of
it was all very thrilling, but it also had some ugly
side effects that you saw shadows everywhere and got
panic attacks. I concentrated on aura magic and telepathy,
and that worked really well. Then I heard a voice one
evening, saying, "Well, now say good-bye to all
your friends. It is time to leave..." That was
so ugly and shocked me so much that I reduced my activities,
and there was no voice anymore. I decided to use my
"skills" for healing purposes only, and found
that all the other ideas to use magic were simply wrong
and could do more harm than not.
I met a Christian in a forum in the internet, and he
asked me if I knew that God would not want me to do
these things. I had never thought of God, I must confess,
but he told me that Christians would know about such
things. I had not reckoned with that. I had thought
that he would not take me seriously at all, but he did.
And I could believe there might be God, yes. I had experienced
that there are things between heaven and earth which
we cannot explain, and that there is a spiritual world.
was so much attracted of what he said. I could feel
there was more to it than mere words. He really seemed
to live with God, and when he spoke of that it always
hit me. But if there was a living God, I wanted to get
to know him! Yes, that was what I wanted with all my
heart. And Jesus? No, I could not really say yes to
a god that was a man, that was too simple. Well, but
was the truth not mostly rather simple?
would a god do if he wanted to contact his people? Maybe
taking the form of his creatures and live among them?
Why not? And what would a god do provided he was good?
Yes, He would be like Jesus! He would exactly do the
things that Jesus did on earth. And the miracles? Oh,
it had become so easy to believe in them after all my
experiences with magic.
then it happened. God himself touched me with his love.
He bent down to me. He attracted me, and I could not
resist this overwhelming love. Like a magnet He drew
me closer and closer to Him. And I started reading the
Bible, after so many books I had read, so many that
had led to nowhere but more questions.
the Bible God spoke to me, and I could understand that
he spoke personally to me, yes, to me! He spoke to me
right from the Bible - the Words there were addressed
only to me, only to me. He showed me how people are,
how I am, and how He is and who He is. And he made it
very, very clear that he loved me so much.
I suddenly knew the truth - though I did not know the
name of my great God yet. It took me a bit longer to
understand that God had come down to earth as a man
to die - for me, and for all the others. It took me
much too long. But God was patient with me.
I surrendered my life to God being seen and heard by
more than 300 people during an evangelisation at the
church where I was baptized later. I was the only one
who did so that evening, and I really did not know anyone
there. I thought about what God had done for me, how
much he had always loved me and how badly I had behaved
against him, showing him no love at all, not believing
in Him. That was my biggest sin, yes. I had not asked
him in my life, not counted him in. I had even been
into esoteric without a single thought if he might like
that idea. That was bad. Suddenly there was just God
and me. He told me: "Vera, I gave you the cloverleaf
as a sign, remember? I gave you your child, I have sent
you my love all the time - but you do not even want
to know me... What else do I have to do to make you
believe in me?" I did not notice the 300 people
around me who I did not know and who listened to me
confessing I wanted to give my life to Jesus. I will
never forget that. My real life started that moment.
Born again, yes, a new creature. No further looking
for answers, everything was so clear now. All there
is in the Bible is true. It is true not because you
might find it logical - though it is. It is true the
moment God himself speaks to you. He IS the way, and
the truth and the life, and you suddenly understand,
and it is more than just a feeling, or believing, indeed
everything is clear. It is an impressive experience.
am no witch anymore, of course, and I have lost all
my power and thrown away all the magic books I had.
I depend completely on God, but He mostly answers my
prayers, especially if I ask for others.
God lives with
me now - that is the best thing! He is there,
around me all the time, yes, all the time.
He guides me, and he comforts me. His name
is Jesus Christ. I can trust him, always,
I can lean back and rely on him. I know
I am safe now, and I know nothing can really
ever happen to me.
He is the true and living
God, sent to earth to die for my sins by
His Father in Heaven, His Holy Spirit still
on earth and alive for His people.
Everybody should listen
to what God is telling him... Everybody
should ask for a cloverleaf from God. He
is speaking to everybody, sending his love
Just listen carefully...
here to read my story of the cross.