I am addressing myself to you, as I know you are open-minded and good-humoured, and will not condemn me for things that I really did not know better at that time. The following is really a quite crazy story and nothing for people who don't believe there might be something outside of the world that is revealed to us over our senses. But it might be interesting for you, as I know you really want to find out about the secrets that make up what we call "life". 

I had to find out that our senses actually grant us only a rather small, restricted access to our world, and I found this out after I had dealt with all those things that science can offer to us extensively.

Weird enough, in retrospective I know that God has never really left me, and I do not know why. He must love me very much. To say that in advance - God is everything for me. It IS a love affair (but nothing sexual as someone thought here).

I would also like to apologize to you in advance, dear readers,  if you cannot follow my thoughts, as several things have become so normal to my way of thinking that I sometimes forget that you might not understand me, because you have not experienced what I have experienced. It is so much enclosed in my ideology that I might not notice. In this case do not hesitate to ask me about more details.

When I was born, there was Mummy and Daddy, my sister Angel and my brother Michael (names changed). My father had been a Roman Catholic before he dared to marry my mother, who was a Protestant - so he was excommunicated from the church, and church never used to be a subject at home.  But when my brother became 14, he was confirmed at the Lutheran State's Church. At that time I was five, and I started to become interested in God and went to Sunday church - alone - as often as I could to listen to the Gospel. I could not get enough of that. Weird, I cannot really remember that my sister was confirmed, too, but she must have been. Maybe they did not want to take me there - I was a very vivid child, you see.

I went to school and found out that I knew more than others. The first day I went there I told my mother afterwards that two girls one row in front of me would stay down. I was right with that. This kind of intuitive knowledge about people should follow me for the rest of my life. I know who people are after they say some sentences. Too bad - this intuition never worked when I tried to find a partner, however.

I loved to learn at school, especially in the first years. We were rather poor in post-war Germany, there were no flats, and so we lived in a small flat with two rooms only. I did not even own a bed of my own, but I did not mind much, as I could choose where to sleep at night. I loved to sleep in my father's bed. My father and me, we were a big team, maybe because I did not know what was wrong with him. He was a gambler, and our family was burdened with his addiction. My parents both smoked, my mother had to work full-time, and I was a child that was more in the way than anything else, I guess.

But there were some children where my grandmother lived. There was Kaethe who told me there was no God. Oh, you should have seen me how much I tried to explain that to her... "Look", I said, "all is from God. Just take a table, and see that it is made of wood, and wood is from trees, and trees - where do they come from? They are there, but God made them. Everything there is comes from God!" Kaethe did not really believe me, but had no better answer, either.

There were other children there, but I was not allowed to play with them. They played some "doctor games", and one day I did not obey my granny and played with them, but in the end I was angry about them for a reason I cannot remember anymore, and so I went to my granny and told her about the games the children were playing there. Weird, somehow I knew that this was not really allowed. My granny said, "Oh dear, don't ever go with them - if you do, God will not give you any children one day."

That was hard. She did not know what she had done by telling me such a nonsense, and it should follow me throughout the years to come. I knew: God would never give me any children, and I suffered silently but much when I thought of it.

I must have been the same age when my brother said that if things would continue the way they did, there would be another World War within the following five years. Oh dear - my brother was so intelligent, and I never doubted that he was right. This and all the stories my granny had told about World War II... They had been bombed out twice. My grandfather did not have to fight in the army, because his father had died in World War I and he had to care for his mother. He was not liked much by the Nazis because he had not become a member in their party. But he was responsible for the distribution of materials to build houses or for coal and such things, because he worked for the town. This brought him incarnation later, and he was kept single in a cell first, and later in a camp. But in the end he was fully rehabilitated by the American investigators, but he never really recovered from the time in prison.

I will also never forget the story my granny told me about the horse she found in the street. It had been burned and black after a bombing night. I loved horses so much. I think I would have died for this horse if I could have made it alive again by that. My heart was crying over that story, and I could hardly think of it without feeling the pain. And the idea of another war had kept me - and I started to pray in the evenings in bed, night after night, and nobody knew. I had so much fear, and I prayed that God might help me to sleep. I could not sleep, but always had to think about the horse and the war, and that I would never get children and was a very bad child. One day I made up my mind that I would go to our "Bundeskanzler" in case a war was ahead, and tell him that this would be very bad, and that he should not allow this to happen. I wanted to convince him personally, and beg him not to allow this...

I am not sure, but maybe my prayers were heard. There has not been another World War, and I am still praying for that. Maybe if we all do...

When I was about eight, we moved to a suburb where I was very happy. Though I was alone very often, I did not mind that much. I spent most of the time outside in the wood, preferably at a secret place I called the "Quelle" - the "Fountain".

One day after a night at my granny's place (my grandfather had died when I was five, and I had not met my father's parents at all), she said we would go home by tram. I loved to go by tram, and so I whistled on the way, and sang songs. But my granny stopped me, and told me to be quiet. We came home, and all the family was there. I knew something was very wrong. I missed my father... But nobody really told me what had happened. After a while I could guess... he had died. I was eleven then. About half a year later my granny died as well.

So I was in touch with death rather early. I did not really believe the people were dead. I knew they were not, they were just not there anymore, and that was bitter. I did not ask God about it then. Maybe I did not trust him enough to be able to explain...

Things changed a little. My father was not there anymore, and my mother had not thought of denying the heritage, and so all the debitors came and wanted money from her. But there was no money, and she offered to pay them all back in small sums, and they all accepted that. She had to work a lot, and I was alone at home, and after a while she dated again, and so I was also alone at night. I led a very free life, and freedom still means much to me.

I had really loved George - that was his name, and I swore never to forget him. I really did not forget him for more than ten years. It was as if my life was at an end, too, and I thought it did not matter anymore, whatever I did. I was like paralized.

I had another boy-friend, but was not really behind this relation, and so I left him - poor one - after five years. 

When we married, my mother and my step-father separated and later got divorced, because he had met another woman... and then my husband met another woman in a sauna and betrayed me, and so I fired him and got divorced very soon. My mother had become even more ill with cancer, and she had to have a surgery. I pleaded to God to save her from that, but He remained silent. So I thought there is no God, maybe a God far away, but I could not know who He was, or if He was only some form of energy or an alien.

I was so lonesome in this world after she was not there anymore, and did not know how to make it in a world where you could not trust anybody. I went over the asphalt pavement with the little dog my mother had left and said to some God in Heaven I really did not believe in: "God, if you are there, give me a sign that times will change for me some day! If you exist, then let me find a cloverleaf with four leaves here on spot!!" I turned my face to the ground, and what did I see growing next to a dandelion at the wall of a house? Right you are! It was a cloverleaf with four leaves, which are very, very seldom - growing on the pavement! I thought I could not trust my eyes! I picked it up, dried and pressed it and put it into my purse where it still is, not in a good shape anymore, because I found it more than twenty years ago. Funny - God reminded me of it later the seconds before I decided to give my life to Jesus.

I lost the ground. I went out every night, and I did not care much about things... I did not end my studies, because I could not afford to drive to the university. I stopped the studies in the middle of the exams which I had passed - half of them. But I did not register for the rest, and the time to finish the studies simply ran out.

Some years later I met my second husband who drank a lot. But I did not care much, and I drank a lot with him at that time (but never became addicted). Then the phone rang one day again...

It was my sister. She informed me that my dear niece had had an accident.

When I heard she was dead I shouted, "Why? Why? Why have you not taken me? Why have you not taken me? Why?" (more...)

I was very angry with God. He had taken away everything from me! And now he had taken away my dear niece who was the most beautiful and the dearest girl I knew. My life was nothing worth at all - so why not me? He had not even granted me own children, taken away my family, my husband, my financial security, and now he had even taken my niece away from me. She had heard a noise at her car and stopped on the motorway on a sunny summer afternoon. She had phoned the police, and on her way back to the car another car bumped into her beautiful body after the driver had fallen asleep. She died of shock about half an hour later.

I could not bear any more, and I cried and cried and shouted why God had taken her. Maybe he had heard that I really meant that. I would have changed places with my niece if that had only been possible. I had no family anymore, no real job, no money, no hope, no desires, and she was so young and beautiful, 20 years of age...

But too bad that my husband could not stop drinking, and so this marriage was a horror. I would say there was no marriage at all, and after a while I got ill with my spine and the sciatic nerve. This was a time when I thought about jumping from a bridge, but fortunately it was just the idea. The pain was so heavy then, that I thought I could not stand it. The worst thing was that I could not sleep at night, and I could not stand, sit or lie, but only walked, up and down, and lost so much weight that I was shocked about that. There were also severe problems with my husband, financial problems as well, and I did not know how to solve all of this. And there was the baby. But then I thought I had to solve one problem after the other...

It was really not an easy decision for me to leave my husband, but I decided to do so right after my recovery. I had a surgery at the intervertebral discs that had pressed on the nerve, and - praise the Lord! - I recovered fast, and then moved away from my husband to raise my child alone. I do not want to go into detail about my marriage here, and I have come over all that. But I was rather broken the first years after that, and I wanted to stay alone for a longer time, because I wanted to be a good mother, if I had not done much else good in my life. But that meant to stay alone every evening, and every night, and it meant much hardship, too, with regard to many aspects.

But it also meant much time for myself. Time to think it all over. Time to find out what was really important in life. And I meditated much doing autogenic training which I had taught myself. I went out much with my little son, and he was the center of my life. I read much, mostly scientific books about the universe, the evolution theory or philosophy and such things. I wanted to know everything about life, about this big, big puzzle that only waited for me to be put together. I had always talked with my mother about these things, but she had warned me I should not worry about all of this too much, and that we would never know... But I just did not give up.

An endless number of pieces lying there. I had to pick them all up, but what was the sense in all of that?

Some were pieces which did not build the picture of life, but just fit in to make a larger part complete. Others were much clearer. They showed colours and objects, yes. There were white ones, more than black ones, and that was good. But I needed all to get the picture of truth. I really had never hoped to get something so clearly as I got them later.

One day when I felt like sitting in a trap, very lonely, empty and hopeless, I spoke to God again, who I did not really believe in, and I just wanted to try out if something would happen, "God, if you are really there, come into my life and change it!"

And that is how it all began...

The story I am telling you starts at this point, but I think it is important to understand what had happened in my life before.

*******

I had a dream that night. I dreamed I was in the hall, painting the walls white. There was a mess like there is when you paint walls, but a neighbor came and rebuked me, "You are not allowed to do what you are doing there, it is changing particles..."

I woke up and wondered what this dream might mean. Weird, I got the answer the next night.  There was a scientific TV show about materia and anti-materia, and that they had found out to make anti-materia visible! Hey, I was thrilled by that idea of the existence of parallel universes, and I decided to look for literature about this, but I did not find any. That was weird. I knew there had to be an answer... I sat down and turned the computer on, and I imagined to write into another parallel universe... The answers were really amazing... I asked if I might get there... "YES" I asked if there were others.... "YES" I asked if my niece was there, maybe "Yes, she is here" - Can I visit her? "But of course, just come over". But how could I tell her I had no contact to my sister? "BUT YOU HAVE IT"

BANG! - that was it! I must say that I had argued with my sister and broken the contact for a while. She wanted to tell me how to live, but she is a very different person than me - I do not want to say more about that, as it is not really relevant here. But I understood now that I had had the contact to her all the time, yes, over our minds. It was telepathy! It was her that had not left me in peace, so I had asked God to help me...

I decided to go and take the very next book about such things I could get at a book shop. Strange, strange, the first book I got there was a book with the name "Magie" - which means "magic". There were some meditations described, and so I tried them out, and, weird enough, I succeeded right away... One day when I was meditating on cleaning me from bad influences it happened that something like a lightening hit me, and I really could do many things after that. I healed people by laying hands in them. Oh dear - but if I could really influence things and people by that... Okay, I tried it all out and found that it worked. But I also knew that magic goes the fastest way, and this could be through oneself. If all my thoughts had an influence in this world... I had to control them, I found, and started to do so, and denied all the bad ideas that came into my mind. I was shocked how many bad thoughts had passed just like that without control before. After a while the bad ideas did not come anymore, and I must say, I was a completely new person with much compassion for others, but also with the feeling to have to save this world, which was also like a curse on me. I had so much responsibility now, and if I could, was it not my duty to do good? And I tried to save this world, very hard. I went to the highest spot in my town, closed my eyes and visualized a wave of love leaving me, going round the world,coming back to my place, being multiplied at every spot where there were people open to be touched by it and pass it away again... A world wide web spun of love that would reach everybody in the end...

I still have a poem (in German, however, but I can translate it) which I wrote in those days. I called it "The Wave of Love". I guess I really started something by that.

First it was all very thrilling, but it also had some ugly side effects that you saw shadows everywhere and got panic attacks. I concentrated on aura magic and telepathy, and that worked really well. Then I heard a voice one evening, saying, "Well, now say good-bye to all your friends. It is time to leave..." That was so ugly and shocked me so much that I reduced my activities, and there was no voice anymore. I decided to use my "skills" for healing purposes only, and found that all the other ideas to use magic were simply wrong and could do more harm than not.

Then I met a Christian in a forum in the internet, and he asked me if I knew that God would not want me to do these things. I had never thought of God, I must confess, but he told me that Christians would know about such things. I had not reckoned with that. I had thought that he would not take me seriously at all, but he did. And I could believe there might be God, yes. I had experienced that there are things between heaven and earth which we cannot explain, and that there is a spiritual world.

I was so much attracted of what he said. I could feel there was more to it than mere words. He really seemed to live with God, and when he spoke of that it always hit me. But if there was a living God, I wanted to get to know him! Yes, that was what I wanted with all my heart. And Jesus? No, I could not really say yes to a god that was a man, that was too simple. Well, but was the truth not mostly rather simple?

What would a god do if he wanted to contact his people? Maybe taking the form of his creatures and live among them? Why not? And what would a god do provided he was good? Yes, He would be like Jesus! He would exactly do the things that Jesus did on earth. And the miracles? Oh, it had become so easy to believe in them after all my experiences with magic.

And then it happened. God himself touched me with his love. He bent down to me. He attracted me, and I could not resist this overwhelming love. Like a magnet He drew me closer and closer to Him. And I started reading the Bible, after so many books I had read, so many that had led to nowhere but more questions.

Reading the Bible God spoke to me, and I could understand that he spoke personally to me, yes, to me! He spoke to me right from the Bible - the Words there were addressed only to me, only to me. He showed me how people are, how I am, and how He is and who He is. And he made it very, very clear that he loved me so much.

And I suddenly knew the truth - though I did not know the name of my great God yet. It took me a bit longer to understand that God had come down to earth as a man to die - for me, and for all the others. It took me much too long. But God was patient with me.

I surrendered my life to God being seen and heard by more than 300 people during an evangelisation at the church where I was baptized later. I was the only one who did so that evening, and I really did not know anyone there. I thought about what God had done for me, how much he had always loved me and how badly I had behaved against him, showing him no love at all, not believing in Him. That was my biggest sin, yes. I had not asked him in my life, not counted him in. I had even been into esoteric without a single thought if he might like that idea. That was bad. Suddenly there was just God and me. He told me: "Vera, I gave you the cloverleaf as a sign, remember? I gave you your child, I have sent you my love all the time - but you do not even want to know me... What else do I have to do to make you believe in me?" I did not notice the 300 people around me who I did not know and who listened to me confessing I wanted to give my life to Jesus. I will never forget that. My real life started that moment. Born again, yes, a new creature. No further looking for answers, everything was so clear now. All there is in the Bible is true. It is true not because you might find it logical - though it is. It is true the moment God himself speaks to you. He IS the way, and the truth and the life, and you suddenly understand, and it is more than just a feeling, or believing, indeed everything is clear. It is an impressive experience.

I am no witch anymore, of course, and I have lost all my power and thrown away all the magic books I had. I depend completely on God, but He mostly answers my prayers, especially if I ask for others.